Well....there's been no dieting....Who was I kidding...
I've had a couple of rough weeks. Last week I had James home with a very bad cold. At the same time I got a migraine which I get only maybe once or twice a year around my period time the Doc says it's associated with hormone influxes yyyuuucckkk. So James & I played tag teams to go have 2 hour naps while the other looked after the baby. I hate being sick. Now this week my darling angel child has a cold, I knew he was coming down with something on Monday when I was at mothers group and he woke up very snuffly on Tuesday morning, last night was a shocker...I won't go into the gory details but we were up more than we were asleep.
My head isn't in the right place to be able to concentrate on diet and exercise. To those people to whom exercising comes naturally (freaks lol ;-0)is would sound strange, but me on the other hand well I hate it, I do more so at the moment & I have to keep thinking back to when I was lifting weights (I'll call it training from here) and how much I enjoyed it. That feeling of warmth and strength and power in my muscles...I so want that back...but I'm not very good at training by myself, of course it's so much easier when you've got your coach there telling you what a great job you're doing, they're also a great "weightress" to quote my coach Vicki, she takes the weight from you when you've finished a set so all you have to do it let go and recover. I'll also call Vicki my coach instead of trainer because she is a great coach, like a life coach as such...to me training with her is more than just a physical experience...she makes me feel so good mentally, emotionally spiritually as well. Wow that was deep.
Anyway...my head isn't in the right space because there's too much mess in my life, both literally and figuratively. I told Vicki the other night that I feel like I wanna get a great big dumpster and empty all the mess, clutter, crap in my life into it.
I'm a very roots in the ground type of person and I need to know what is ahead in my life to be able to concentrate on the here and now. I continually hear the little ditty..."Just Live In The Moment" to that I say PHOOEY!!!! Well actually I say something stronger but you don't want to hear me swear it gets ugly. So as far as what is ahead or not...I'm supposed to be starting back at work end of Aug after 12 months off, there were major changes at work when I was leaving change of proprietorship, change of manager, even though I know the knew manager and the company is the sister company of the original one, it's still and unknown, and talking to a colleague it ain't what it used to be and it ain't all good. Also, I have to put Rex into daycare! But I don't know where yet...it makes a very difficult decision more difficult as there's just this wait list/wait and see process that just mess's with my head (you'll hear this term quite a bit) Surely the daycare centre knows what their kids will be doing between now and end of August to be able to tell me if there is going to be a spot or not. Another unknown....will we have to move anytime soon...we rent where we live and I absolutely love it here..we've been here 4 years now, I treat the house and garden as if it were my own because I thought it was going to be. We were all set to buy the house from the landlord (we rent directly from him) as he was liquefying assets in a divorce...but he kept delaying the process until I fell pregnant - surprise!! and I spent eight months of my pregnancy not knowing if we had to move or not (not a nice feeling) because we can't afford a mortgage on one salary, I decided very early on that I needed 12 months off. I also decided that I wasn't going to move, and if the landlord was going to pull the plug on us I would chuck a pregnant woman hissy fit and refuse to move. I told James...and I wasn't entirely joking...that "they would have to drag me outta here in a straight jacket". Now I still have that feeling in Aug last year the landlord finally told us that he was retaining the property in his settlement and that we could stay here for at least another 12 months if not longer.....but wasn't "in the position" to give us a lease...WHAT BLOODY POSITION!!! I'm not allowed to talk to him you see...because if I do I will lose my cool and go off as I do when people get all wishy washy with me, he's never straight forward with his answers. I don't want to know all the ins and outs of his private business but if I knew just slightly more about what was going on in his head I would feel a little more comfortable. So in 3 months time it's going to be the "at least 12 months" that he spoke of so what then....I wanna know....I'm a planner but I'm also a doer... I can't do if I can't plan.....
I can't do now what I need to do for myself if I can't plan ahead. It's just the way I am and no amount of counselling or cognitive therapy or self help positive thinking mumbo jumbo book or kind words of support from my hubby like "don't worry, it may never happen, or it'll all work out ok, just think positive, DOES NOT WASH WITH ME. I think I'm too practical.
Plus, and this is a major one, at work they cut my hours while I was pregnant, so it was take the cut or find another job. At the time being pregnant I was grateful of the cut, and also now from a putting the baby in daycare point point of view even tho it's 5 days a week it'll be from 10am & not some ridiculous hour like 7 or 8am. But...and here's the clanger....can we even afford a mortgage on a reduced salary...we don't make that much money as it is, it was going to be a pinch before so now how will the bank see the extra expense of a child along with reduced earnings?
Everyday I wake up wondering if today is the day that the landlord will ring and say that he has to sell the house.
So, to the literal crap. I'm surrounded by it. My husband god love him, is a hoarder, me I'm a chucker. I love the feeling of a good old purge (in the good sense, you know stuff not food). He also has no sense of putting things where they belong. Two examples - he doesn't put his keys in a particular pocket of his bag, so he is forever hunting through & getting antsy trying to find them, another and this is an all time classic. I went to the "potato cupboard" to you guessed it get potatoes and I found the bottle of Gaviscon in there!!! What the???.....So what prompted my husband to put the Gaviscon away in there instead of on the shelf where he got it from..."I don't know...I must have been under pressure" What t... h.....e...??? Can you see my brain gurgling down the drain? He consciously chose the potato cupboard, bent down, and opened the door rather than just reaching up to put it back where it belongs. Sigh.
Our house is very small, two beds plus a cupboard of a room that we call the office, there's hardly any storage space, no garage, not attic, no basement and no shed. I see the need to live lean not in a $$ expense but certainly in an amount of stuff sense. James loves stuff...he must 'cause it's everywhere. Empty boxes, computer parts (don't get me started) things just left laying around.
I was at the point of despair the other day and I googled "clutter free" I came apon a professional organiser's website. She comes in and does everything from re-organising furniture, writing lists of recommended improvements and drawing plans of rooms to helping you shop for storage solutions...for a rather hefty fee...which is what I felt I needed.
The want to do something is only part of the equation. The physical ability is another. Just like weightloss, exercising and dieting.
I can do most of it myself but there's just some that I'll need James' help with. which he'll be happy to do in his own good time tho' not in mine. Mine is an immediate need. There's also only so many changes or improvements we can do seeing that we're renting. James is very much in the mindset that we'd spending our money making improvements to somebody elses house.
This post became way too involved and I was wandering all over the place (welcome to my brain).
I've started a new blog called weightlossepica. Please check this out for my weightloss journey.
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